Reading, Running, and Learning to Knit: an Update from Lockdown.

So I have currently been furloughed from work for a little over a week now. I’m not sure if being stuck at home with my parents it yet taking it’s toll, but I was definitely feeling the signs of boredom and the overwhelming sensation of a depressive episode at the beginning of this week.

In order to occupy my mind these days I am forcing myself to do a reasonable amount of reading, as I mentioned in my last post. This if vaguely going well. Since the beginning of April I haven’t yet finished a book, but I have started nine?!?!?!?!!!!

But I guess that’s fine. I’m reading each of them bit by bit. Three of the books I’m currently reading are less than 200 pages, so that makes it feel a little less daunting. But not much. However I do feel that I am having to force myself to read at the moment, because it does seem to require a heck of a lot of energy just to open a book.

Also, because I am finding the sedentary nature of this lockdown to be somewhat suffocating, I have decided that I should start exercising on a regular basis. For this I have chosen to start using the app Couch to 5K. I went for my first run yesterday, and today is a very much needed rest day. My legs ache quite a lot when walking down stairs or lowering myself into a chair. But I’m sure this will all benefit me in the end (hurhurhur).

On top of that, my mum has decided that she is going to teach me to knit. My mother is quite an ample knitter, she has been knitting consistently for about thirty years now, and is always making something, sometimes several things, most of which I tend to acquire.

Therefore she has taken it upon herself to teach me a new skill. SO far I am struggling with the basics. She taught me the motions when I was a child, but I never kept it up. Now she thought that she would just be able to teach me a couple of different techniques, and I’d get on fine. Turns out I don’t remember shit from when I’m a child, and can’t even keep a consistent number of stitches between rows.

Oh well, I guess it will all come together before I’m allowed back to work. Perhaps.

In any case, I’m fine, my family is fine, everyone I know seems to be fine. I’m actually quite enjoying this whole ‘not going to work, not having to socialise or have contact with anyone outside my house, yet still being paid’ thing. It’s just my cup of tea.

Speaking of, I might just go and get myself another one. 🙂

Until next time…

Love, Bobbi. Xx.

The Reading Slump.

I have been in a reading slump for the past week or so. A reading slump, you may know, is when someone who typically enjoys reading a lot experiences a period of no interest or attention span for reading.

Right now I’m sitting on the train on my way to work, I have a book in my bag which I started reading last night before bed (The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern). I must have read about fifteen pages last night. The previous book I was reading (Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb) I was finding quite slow and not holding my attention. But currently I have no interest in reading anything.

And the weird thing is, when I lose interest in reading, I begin to lose my sense of self. For someone who identifies as a reader, not reading has a big impact on my identity. But still I can’t bring myself to pick up my book.

I hate feeling like this. Especially when I’m on a train and see so many people around me reading books.

Right now I’m struggling to have the energy to have any interest in anything. I just hope this doesn’t spiral into a pit of depression.

I don’t know what to do.

Love Bobbi. Xx.

Life Update… And Becoming a Student Again.

I can’t believe I missed out on writing a blog post for the last two weeks. Admittedly it has been a busy couple of weeks, and I’ve had other things to do. But now I’m back, and quite a lot has happened since I was last on this blog.

So work is starting to get busy again. I work in a nursery, and we’re getting quite a few new children starting at the moment. One of them is only four months old, and they are so cute!!! But having new children start is always kind of stressful because they miss their parents, so they’re quite upset. Screaming children creates a lot of tension in the classroom.

Then last weekend I didn’t get much rest because I went to my friend’s hen-do (AKA bachelorette party). The wedding is net weekend, so I’m not going to have much free time next weekend either, but it will e totally worth it.

But possibly more important than any of that (for me personally at least) is that on Friday I finally signed my application for my childcare level three course!!! I’m so excited!! I haven’t done study in about five years, and I don’t think I was ever a particularly studious student (the depression didn’t help with that). I just want to prove to myself that I am actually capable of studying really hard and doing well. I just want to be proud of myself for doing well.

So that is going to take up a lot of my time for the next year. I’m beginning to get anxious that I’m not going to have enough time to study around working 40 hours a week, and commuting about 2 hours each day. I’m just going to end up with no free time. Although I have decided that I’m going to give myself one day each week where I don’t do any studying, otherwise I will feel like I don’t get any free time at all, and that will make me miserable.

But despite all that, I really am looking forward to studying and finally getting my childcare qualification. This time next year I’ll have my level three, I’ll be able to look for better paying jobs that are nearer to where I live. I honestly can’t wait for the day when I get to walk to work. Haha.

I can’t wait to get started on my studying. This is going to be so good, and so worthwhile. Bring it on!!

Love Bobbi. Xx.

Challenge Time.

I have decided that I am going to set myself a challenge during the month of September.

I have always struggled with getting up early in the morning, and it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself that I need to sort it out, I never seem to do anything about it.

So…

During the month of September 2018, I am going to get up at 0700 every morning.

That may not seem particularly early to a lot of people, however, as someone who regularly stays in bed until almost lunch time, this is going to be a big change for me.

Over the past couple of weeks I went away with my parents and we were going to bed around ten or eleven every night, and getting up between seven and nine each day.

I genuinely don’t remember what time I used to wake up before I went away. I just don’t remember that far back. But I know that I don’t have a regular time to wake up. It changes every single day.

I have done a lot of research online about how to get up early, and ways to help wake yourself up. Most places had pretty much the same advice: put the alarm clock across the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off, drink a glass of water in the morning to help you wake up, exercise first thing, have a filling breakfast, go to bed early…

Now these tips are all well and good, but I’m the kind of person who will get up, turn off the alarm, then get back into bed. I don’t even bother with snooze, which is perhaps worse. It doesn’t keep waking me up mid- sleep cycle, but it doesn’t wake me up at all. I just stay in bed until I decide that I need to get up.

For the most part I work afternoons, so I don’t even need to get up until lunch time. This perhaps makes it more difficult for me, because I don’t have a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. This really bothers me because I want to be productive, I want to be happier, I want to get my life together, but I can’t seem to do any of that when I waking up between 1100 and 1330 every day.

My current lifestyle isn’t getting me anywhere, and I really want to make this change. So I’m determined to make this happen this month. This will be my first real steps to becoming a new and better version of myself. And I will do my best to keep you updated on my journey.

Until next time…

Love Bobbi. Xx.

End of the Summer.

For the past few years I have found the end of August / beginning of September to be an uncomfortable time.

Recently I’ve been craving the feeling of going back to school or university and doing it all again, but better. I guess that’s just one more thing I want to improve about my life, although this would be more difficult.

When I was in school I was never someone who put in a lot of effort. In the early days of secondary school I had all the intent of being a good little pupil, and do everything properly. However, from around year eight onward I was assuaged to a life of immaturity, and disinterest in my education. I messed around in classes a lot, and I put minimal effort into my school work and homework.

I wish I could say that I learnt from these experiences in the lower years, and improved when it was more important to my qualifications, but I can’t. I never really learnt how to revise properly, and I didn’t really need to revise much to get pass grades in my GCSE’s. This caused a problem when I got to A levels, because they were suddenly much harder.

After that my depression kicked in and stopped me from wanting to put much effort into anything. So I didn’t try very hard in sixth form or university. I got pathetic grades in both, and I don’t feel that I have done much to get me where I want to go with my future (not that I’m entirely sure what I want from my future, I just don’t feel that I can get very far with the grades I have).

I just want to be able to go back and do things properly, and fix all the mistakes that I made the first time.

I also kind of miss the feeling of routine. That feeling you get the night before you start a new school year when you have a fresh new uniform, and empty school bag, and so many possibilities ahead of you.

Why didn’t I make the most of my opportunities when I was younger?

I just don’t know what I can do about it. Now I end up getting upset every time I think about my time in school, and there is no way for me to fix it.

I wish I could just go back and change everything.

Until next time…

Love Bobbi. Xx.